“God, what is Your will for my life? What is it You want me to do?”I wonder how many times I‘ve agonized over these questions. There have been seasons of doubt, of waiting, of impatience, of panicking, of confusion, of anticipation, of putting my life on hold. Of just wanting God to drop the answer in my lap.

Our original plan when we left for the Philippines in 1986 was to serve for three terms and then return home to use our experiences as missionaries and our spiritual gifts in the local church. Twelve years passed, three terms under our belts, and we were back in Akron, anticipating what God would open up for us. The next twelve months brought the weddings of two daughters, our third daughter started college, ANNNNDDDDD . . . . nothing. No open doors. No ministry opportunities available. What should we do? Should Steve look for a secular job? Does God want us to return to the Philippines? Can I leave again? Will I survive another term? These questions led to a family meeting and lots of tears along with Steve sensing strongly that God wanted us back in the Philippines. We prayed. Our family prayed even in their tears. My prayer circle prayed over me knowing that returning to the field was a difficult decision that I didn’t particularly like. In fact, if I’m honest, I’ll admit that I was downright angry.

So we went – for four more years. I was devastated. My heart had been ready to stay home. BUT – much to my surprise, God gave us four AMAZING years! Not only that, but during our time away, The Chapel began the process of building a new campus south of Akron. Does anyone want to guess when it was finished? In 2003 – the end of our fourth term! An invitation came for Steve to join staff. And we were actually sitting in the pew at the very first service on the very first Sunday in the brand new church building!

Chris Tiegreen, in my daily devotional, wrote: “When God speaks, He usually does so in a way that requires faith to believe it really is His voice and in a way that requires us to dig for the treasures of wisdom and guidance He has hidden for us. Finding His will for us in personal decisions can seem like a cosmic game of hide-and-seek.”

Where exactly does one even begin in this “cosmic game of hide-and-seek”? When I asked my husband this question, he responded with “living obediently to God’s known will”. That’s the starting point – walk in obedience to what we already know – that which is revealed in Scripture. Be holy because I, the Lord your God, am holy. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your mind. Have no other gods. Love one another.

Okay, so what’s next? This is where I can get tripped up. Why? Because I am prone to doubt. It‘s astonishing to me that I, as a Christ follower, sometimes find it hard to believe that God, the One whose Holy Spirit lives within me, would “speak” to me! Why is it so difficult for me to accept this? I am quick to spout off Bible verses, but slow to believe them for myself. 1 Corinthians 2:16 tells meI have the mind of Christ. If this is true – if the Holy Spirit dwells in me and I have the mind of Christ – then as I passionately pursue God, as I seek to know His heart, as I am obedient to His commands and faithful to His call on my life for this moment, as I talk to Him about my hopes and dreams and desires, as I pray for wisdom and discernment, as I solicit the counsel of godly friends, I should not be surprised, in fact, I should expect, that He will speak to me – not with an audible voice, but with a stirring in my heart. That stirring should energize, awaken, challenge, inspire, spur, stimulate, urge. Or might even make me faint in fear, wondering if maybe He chose the wrong person.

Sometimes God makes it very clear what direction He wants us to go – so much so that there should be absolutely no hesitation on our part. Other times, He asks us to step out and take a leap of faith. And then there are those times that He simply asks us to be faithful . . . and wait. Pastor Jim recently wrote: “As a church right now, we are living in the wonderful tension of both waiting and walking. We are waiting on God to lead us into the future and a new senior pastor. And yet, we are also moving forward with the work of the gospel in the here and now. How can we be both waiting and walking—both resting and moving? It’s a beautiful antinomy. It’s what we often call the radical both. We need not choose only one option—to either wait or to move. We get to, and indeed must, choose both. Isaiah 26:8 says, ‘Yes Lord, walking in the way of Your laws, we wait for You; Your name and Your renown are the desire of our hearts.‘ This verse expresses for us the radical both of walking while waiting. We press forward by actively walking in God’s ways while simultaneously having an attitude of waiting on Him. These two seemingly contradictory things are expressed and experienced in beautiful partnership. And this is the call not only for us together as a church, but it’s also to be true for your own personal life of faith. To be fully at rest in Christ and yet pressing onward to bear fruit and ‘work out your salvation with fear and trembling‘ (Philippians 2:12).”

I may be stepping on some toes here, but I’ll say it anyway – God even honors our reluctant obedience. He did mine! In retrospect, I can see that His timing and choice for us was right and perfect. I can’t even imagine what our lives would be like or where we would be living today if Steve hadn’t been willing to pray, listen, obey – regardless of how tough the decision was for him to make. “We know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose” (Romans 8:28).

Seek Him. Obey Him. Be faithful with what He has given you and where He has placed you. Pray for wisdom and discernment. Ask for counsel. And . . . “The One who calls you is faithful, and He will do it” (1 Thessalonians 5:24).

My Bible was presented to me by the pastors’ wives of The Chapel in 1995, just before I returned to the Philippines for our third term of missionary service. Steve and our two younger children had gone on ahead so I was by myself, flying over the ocean, when I opened this precious book for the first time. This mother’s heart was breaking, leaving behind two daughters in college, not quite sure when I would see them again. My Bible was “baptized” by my tears.

This Bible is like a journal. Written on the fragile pages are the reflections of the often fragile pieces of my heart. Some of the words are smudged from the tears that dropped onto the pages. There are stains from the cups of hot chocolate or tea that were my companions in the early hours of the morning when sleep alluded me and I turned to God’s Word for comfort. From cover to cover – - – - pleadings – - praises – - fears – - burdens – - weariness – - joys – - doubts – - times of waiting – - answers to prayers – - grief – - conviction – - worship – - freedom – - – - all written in the margins of my Bible. It’s a window to my soul and the intimate communication between me and my Savior – - seeking, always seeking the heart of God.

As I read back over some of my notes, I marvel at God’s goodness and faithfulness. He promised to never leave me no matter what struggles or sufferings I faced, no matter how trivial they seemed or how overwhelming they were. And He has faithfully kept His promises.

I can open to the Psalms and remember the journey through Steve’s cancer. Pastor Kenton and our choir and orchestra took us through the Psalms one Sunday when I sat alone in the pew not knowing how our journey would end. I will never forget that amazing experience of my awesome God meeting me in my pain. The music brought the words alive to a heart that was hurting. All throughout the pages my pencil scribbled frantically as His Word ministered to my soul. Psalm 3:5 “I lie down and sleep: I wake again, because the Lord sustains me” [the peaceful sleep my Shepherd gave through Steve's long hospital stay]. Psalm 13:3 “Look on me and answer, O Lord my God” [please notice me]. Psalm 16:1 “Keep me safe, Oh God, for in You I take refuge” [I come to You for comfort]. Psalm 21:8 “Your hand will lay hold on all Your enemies, Your right hand will seize Your foes” [cancer and death are enemies]. Psalm 30:11 “You turned my wailing into dancing; You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy” [Steve's NG tube removed July 2009]. On and on it goes – words of encouragement and strength and grace and hope and love.

I’ve recently had to make a decision – should I buy a new Bible or continue to use this one that is falling apart? In a way, a new Bible appealed to me. The pages would be nice and clean and I could start a new journal – record the fresh things that God is teaching me, revealing to me. I mean, it’s not like I would throw my old Bible away. It would claim a special place in the drawer with my first Bible – the one that introduced me to God’s Word in 1976. But I just couldn’t do it. So I bought some rubber cement and dug out some blue tape from the kitchen cupboard to see if I could hold it together for awhile longer. It doesn’t matter that it looks shabby or that the torn cover is repaired with tape or that whole sections are trying to fall out or that pages are wrinkled and stained. These are all signs that my Bible is well-loved – - – - and used well.

Politics. And religion. The two topics that were generally off limits at family gatherings when I was growing up. Even so, after a few drinks, the adult conversation seemed to automatically gravitate to these forbidden topics. More than likely an argument would start and someone usually left hot-under-the-collar. I could attribute that to the alcohol and say “don’t drink and talk politics”. But seeing and participating in the debates on Facebook before and after the presidential election, I think I can honestly say that alcohol had nothing to do with getting hot-under-the-collar. I have to admit, I was a bit annoyed at some of the things that people said, and equally disgusted with myself for allowing myself to get sucked into the discussions and/or arguments. I make that sound like I was forced into this, but I was a willing participant.Don’t misunderstand me. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with making our views known. But I found that arguing doesn’t accomplish anything. It seems that all it manages to do is produce anger and resentment and can cause us to say things we may later regret.

Since the beginning of the year I have tried to restrain myself from posting anything political on Facebook. I haven’t always been successful. And here’s why. I’ve been doing a lot of research over the last couple of months. The internet is a treasure trove of information and I have taken advantage of it. I’ve investigated a myriad of topics, including politicians. Discernment is definitely needed because of the volume of info to process and the many conflicting reports. It’s so easy to get bogged down. However, I’ve read enough to come to the conclusion that there are not very many people within the political arena that I can trust. Corruption and deception seem to be the name of the game. It’s unsettling to recognize the steady diet of lies we’ve been fed by the left and the right, by both Democrats and Republicans. I’m not a conspiracy theorist, if that’s what you’re thinking. I don’t believe every little thing I read on the internet. I don’t see a snake under every rock. But neither am I blind to what’s happening around us.

One particular video I watched recently, AGENDA: Grinding America Down (by Curtis Bowers), confirmed that the United States is in a very dangerous place and there are many who just don’t get it. Well, what IS the agenda of the “progressives” (as the liberals now prefer to be called) in our country? They definitely have a vision for a new “progressive” society. How will they be successful at bringing this about? By changing our world view. I’m just going to throw out a bunch of statements I jotted down while watching the video. See if any sound familiar:

* Subvert America from the inside.

* Dis-unify [divide and conquer?].

* Plan to infiltrate educational institutions to influence the direction they want us to go – shape the thoughts of rising generations. It takes a village to raise a child [village meaning the government].

* Destroy the family because healthy, strong families are a threat and will keep them from reaching their goals.

* Get behind the feminist movement to make women discontent with marriage and motherhood [this includes the pro-choice movement and abortion].

* Get us to accept homosexuality – this will begin to cause the decay of our moral values.

* Destroy the Bible’s influence in America – detach our culture from any moral anchors.

* Destroy Christianity – depend on the government rather than on God.

* Put focus on the environmental movement/global warming – save the planet!

* Political correctness [along with a new twist to tolerance and diversity and global community].

* Create chaos so they can step into the solution – to rescue and take control.

So how do I remain CALM in the midst of all this troubling information? First of all, I need to acknowledge that there is a bigger agenda at work in the world – one that Christians have often failed or refused to see. It goes beyond American politics. Karl Marx said it loud and clear – to dethrone God and deify man. Saul Alinsky in Rules for Radicals wrote: “Lest we forget at least an over-the-shoulder acknowledgment to the very first radical – the first radical known to man who rebelled against the establishment and did it so effectively that he at least won his own kingdom – Lucifer.” There you have it. Those who are behind the agenda to grind America down and bring in a new world order are simply doing the work of their cunning and sadistic master – Satan himself.

I love my country, and even though I have a measure of patriotism, I have to realize that this world is not my home. I am a pilgrim whose citizenship is in heaven (Philippians 3:20). I am a new creation in Jesus Christ and I am headed for a new home, a new earth.

But until we reach that destination, what is our responsibility? Pray. Definitely pray that God would raise up godly leaders who are committed to Him. Pray that Americans would wake up. Pray that Christians will take a stand for truth. Always love our neighbors. The Scriptures say that we should love our enemies and those who persecute us. I don’t think this means that we sit back and accept the evil perpetrated by a person or groups of people, the enemies of Jesus, whose goal in life is to banish God from our society. We are told to put on the full armor of God for a reason. Why? Because we are in a spiritual war. We live in enemy territory.

Through it all, we can be CALM, because we already know who wins! But – - – we are to remain alert and vigilant, because the battle still rages. Stand up! Stand firm!

Stand up, stand up for Jesus, ye soldiers of the cross.

Stand up, stand up for Jesus, the solemn watchword hear.

Stand up, stand up for Jesus, the trumpet call obey.

Stand up, stand up for Jesus, stand in His strength alone.

Stand up, stand up for Jesus, each soldier to his post.

Stand up, stand up for Jesus, the strife will not be long;
This day the noise of battle, the next the victor’s song.
To him who overcometh a crown of life shall be;
They with the King of Glory shall reign eternally.

December 21, 2012 has come and gone despite the predictions that the world would end when the Mayan calendar ran out on that day.

A new year beckons and I step into it with anticipation for what the next 365 days will hold. As I do every year, I take time to reflect on the past 12 months, reading over my journal and the monthly letters I wrote. I am stunned at the energy expended wrestling through complex issues! Hope and peace in a turbulent world. What love looks like in a Christ-follower’s life. Accountability. Legalism and grace. The presidential elections.

As I look back over my shoulder, I realize that 2012 was . . . well . . . full of the things that life brings our way! – working through disappointments – facing transitions and changes – finding healing in relationships – correcting misunderstandings – dealing with discouragement. Whenever I made the effort to step back in a situation and allow God to do His work in my heart, His peace settled in. He has been, and is, in the process of refining me – forcing me to sort out motives and attitudes – making me ask the question “why?” – not of Him, but of myself.

Throughout the last year, my husband has graciously endured numerous conversations with me, patiently listened to my disappointments, even put up with my angry outbursts. He never dictated what I should think or feel, but directed me to Scripture, helping to keep me grounded. Sometimes Steve whole-heartedly agreed with me on issues. At times he helped me to see a different perspective. And always I could depend on his prayers for me and with me.

I now stand at the threshold of 2013, gazing into the new year, trying to see past January, wondering what could possibly be on the horizon. For some reason, this reminds me of the morning we set out for South Carolina in 1982. I was driving, Steve was in the passenger seat, our three daughters were in the back seat, and we were pulling a U-Haul trailer filled with clothes, toys, books, and odds and ends to set up house in Columbia. Steve had graduated from Moody Bible Institute in May. We spent the summer in Akron and then headed south so he could attend Columbia Graduate School of Bible and Missions. The Bucys were off on another adventure! It was a challenge from the get-go. We hit the thickest fog I have ever seen! The visibility was barely twelve inches in front of us. I felt like we were going to fall off the edge of the earth. Talk about stressful! The speedometer on the dashboard barely crept up past five miles an hour. My fingers clutched the steering wheel so hard my knuckles turned white. It was definitely a walk . . . or rather a ride . . . of faith.

I picture the future like that – peering through a foggy haze. Sometimes it is so thick I can barely see what’s in front of my face. Other times, it clears a bit and I can see a little farther up the road. But God doesn’t allow us to see too far ahead. If our future were spread out on a table like a map before our eyes, we would spend all our time formulating a plan, preparing in advance, relying on our own strength instead of trusting in Him.

So, 2013. I don’t have a clue what you will bring into my life . . . my family . . . my community . . . my church . . . my world. But regardless of what’s going on “out there”, in here – in my heart, in my soul – I long for and pray for a sense of calmness that defies logic – a calmness that comes through knowing and believing that the Spirit of the Living God dwells within me. Just think how different my life would be if I were deliberately conscious of that truth every moment of every day! Politics would not rattle me. Gas prices wouldn’t unnerve me. Turmoil in the world would not terrify me. Illness wouldn’t defeat me. Disappointment in people wouldn’t devastate me. Change wouldn’t frighten me. My imagination wouldn’t run wild. I wouldn’t waste so much time and energy worrying over what might happen. All because: “Those who are dominated by the sinful nature think about sinful things, but those who are controlled by the Holy Spirit think about things that please the Spirit. If your sinful nature controls your mind, there is death. But if the Holy Spirit controls your mind, there is life and peace. So you should not be like cowering, fearful slaves. You should behave instead like God’s very own children, adopted into his family — calling him ‘Father, dear Father.‘ For his Holy Spirit speaks to us deep in our hearts and tells us that we are God’s children.”(from the book of Romans)

Regardless of what tomorrow brings, I can remain calm, knowing that Jesus will already be there. With sufficient grace.

How many of us play the “what-if” game? What if _____? It’s not something I normally dwell on. I don’t live in that place. But every now and then I wonder – what if God hadn’t healed Steve? What if He would have called him Home?What would my response have been? Would I be the same person I am today? I think we all know the answer to that. No, I wouldn’t be the same person for I would have had to learn to live without Steve. BUT – would I have been able to praise God through that storm? Would I love Jesus as much as I do today? Believe me, I am so very grateful that I don’t have to answer these questions! It’s just something that finds its way into my thinking when my heart is so overwhelmed that I almost can’t breathe.

I did Beth Moore’s Bible study “Esther – It’s Tough Being a Woman” while Steve was battling cancer. Beth gave several scenarios on why life can be difficult. Scenario #5 was : It’s tough being a woman in the tight fist of fear. She asked us to fill in the following blanks – IF _____, THEN _____. Just thinking about filling in those blanks caused me to tremble. IF? THEN? I was facing the very real possibility of my husband’s death. Could I actually write that down? I tried to put pen to paper, but my hand was shaking uncontrollably. Please, God, give me the courage. Deep breath and then I put my heart on that line – IF Steve dies, THEN _____. Then what? Then I will die? Then my world will fall apart? I think I can honestly say that, yes, there were times throughout those months of his sickness that I actually felt that way. Losing Steve had always been one of my greatest fears – I was terrified by the thought. And suddenly, I found myself in that “what-if”. Could I fill in that second blank with God? Just that one word? IF Steve dies, THEN God?

Here’s what Beth said in that particular lesson: “Lesson 4 challenged us to face our worst fears. We talked about how the enemy and our own self-destructive natures combine to taunt us with ‘what-ifs’. Once we are in Christ, Satan has no authority to destroy us. Based on our histories and behaviors he deduces what we ourselves are most convinced would raze us. To the Devil, the irony is delicious: our distrust of God tattles on us, telling our enemy exactly how to get to us. Many of us habitually rehearse, ‘IF _____ ever happens, then I’ll just _____.’ Our fears become like long, bony index fingers pointing at our vulnerabilities. Once Satan sees what we believe would be the end of us, he threatens and torments us with it. Our natural human defense is to grovel before God and plead with Him not to let those things happen. Our conditional trust not only makes us an open target for enemy torment; it also positions us as negotiators and beggars before God instead of secure children who trust their lives to their faithful Father. Those times when our fears become reality we feel devastated. We think God is unfaithful, and Satan essentially gets what he wants – us to believe that life is over. Unless our belief system changes, for all practical earthly purposes, it is. After all as a man thinks, so is he (Proverbs 23:7). Don’t misunderstand. I’m a huge proponent of praying against what we fear and FOR the desires of our hearts. I also believe we’re FREE and SAFE to voice our worst nightmares to God. In times of crisis and demonic attack, however, our vulnerable souls need something more. The most critical breakthrough of faith you and I could ever experience is to let God bring us to a place where we trust Him – PERIOD. We don’t just trust Him to let us avoid what we fear most. We determine to trust Him no matter what, even if our worst nightmare befalls us. We have no greater victory and can render Satan no harsher blow.”

Wow! Was it a coincidence that I was involved in this study at that particular time in my life? I don’t know about you, but I don’t believe in coincidences. God was doing a mighty work in my heart! Right in the middle of Steve’s sickness, not knowing if he would survive, I had to fill in those blanks. IF Steve dies, THEN God . . . then God will take care of me . . . then God has a plan for me . . . then God desires to accomplish something monumental in me . . . then God’s going to demonstrate His sufficiency in me.

I love this song by Kutless. It was played at our Grief Share Surviving the Holidays brunch in November.

Sometimes all we have to hold on to is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are

Lord we know Your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are

You’re still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You’re working all things for our good
We’ll sing your praise

Even if the healing doesn’t come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn’t come

Well, here I am, in this place, at this time, and the healing did come, and Steve is still by my side. I wasn’t forced to face the reality of that “what-if” back then. I may some day – I don’t know. I don’t know what the future holds. But IF God would have taken me down that path, would I be a different woman today? Of course I would be. The truth is, I’m still a different woman on this side of cancer than I was before. It’s impossible to walk that journey with someone you love and come out on the other side exactly the same. We either allow God to meet us in the pain and fear, or we choose to turn away from Him just as I did when my dad died. This time, my heart chose God.

So today I am able to fill in those blanks: IF Steve survived, THEN God. It was God who restored Steve. It was God who brought me through that most difficult trial. It was God who met me in my fear. It was God. PERIOD!

My heart goes into my letters. Some letters flow easily from my fingertips to my computer keyboard. Others involve blood, sweat, and tears. Last month’s was one of the latter. My husband and two trusted female friends read through my October letter before it went out. They gave me constructive criticism. I made some changes. This month’s letter is proving even more difficult to write. The first draft came out of the heat of the moment a couple days after the elections. I prayed and re-wrote it. I prayed again. This is my third attempt. It’s not always easy to share our thoughts, emotions, struggles, and passions because there could be someone who misunderstands. Or who may be offended. Sometimes the tone of our voice, the look in our eyes, and our body language can be lost in the written word.

Honesty has been an important component in my writing from the very first time I ventured to share my heart in 1990 after our first four-year term of missionary service. My desire is to continue that honesty, being mindful to communicate with grace. As I thought about that this morning while sitting in the worship service, my mind took me to 1 Corinthians 13 – the love chapter – specifically the first verse: “If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.”

Steve and I watched our seven grandchildren yesterday evening. As you can imagine, the noise level got quite high at times. About a half hour before their parents arrived, I lined them up on the couch and turned on a DVD to get them to calm down before their bed time. Even though they were being quiet, my ears were still ringing with the playful noise from minutes before. Is that what my “voice” is like to someone who may not agree with me? Am I a clanging cymbal ringing in someone’s ears even after I’ve stopped “talking”? If so, I have to examine my heart. Is love my motivation? Or is it that, no matter what I say, they will consider me a resounding gong even when love is present because they just don’t like what I have to say? Regardless of their response, I am still held accountable for my words and the intent behind them.

Having said all that, here is my effort to be vulnerable, to be honest in light of the recent events in our country. I’m struggling. I admit it. I’m confused. I don’t understand exactly what happened in the elections last week. We each have the right to vote for whomever we want – that’s the beauty of the freedoms we have in the United States. What I am perplexed about is how a candidate who is pro-abortion, who endorses same-sex marriage, who has not blessed Israel, to name a few, was re-elected to lead our country. Not only that, but I am also disturbed with the fact that a rather large number of Christians voted in favor of keeping him in this position. Please remember, I’m being totally honest about my feelings, trying to process how this was even possible.

In the last several days since the elections, I’ve been told that I am called to respect the man who sits in the office of president. Here’s two different definitions for respect: (1) esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability. (2) deference to a right, privilege, privileged position; acknowledgement. I have determined that I will give deference to the president because he occupies a privileged position. But he has yet to earn my respect as a man and a leader.

I’ve also been told that I should pray for the president. And I will. I will honor him in this way. I pray that God will protect him and his family. I pray that God will turn this man’s heart towards Him and give him the wisdom he needs to make the right decisions. I pray that President Barack Obama will prove me wrong – that he will rise up to be a man of integrity and courage and honesty and humility.

Since I’m being truthful, I admit that I initially had misgivings about voting for Governor Romney. I voted for him not because I considered or even expected him to be our savior. I’ve learned through experience that no man can fill that role. We have one Savior, Jesus Christ. I voted for Mitt Romney because he was the candidate who was closest to my own convictions and he seemed to have the experience and knowledge needed to get us out of the financial mess we are in. Over the course of the campaign, I listened to several respected evangelical pastors who reminded us that we were not electing a pastor. If that had been the case, I could not, in good conscience, have voted for either one of these men.

Another thing I’ve been told – love will heal our broken world. I couldn’t agree more. And I also agree that the Church has not always done a good job of loving – I include myself in that statement. I pray that God will show me more and more of what that is to look like in my life, that the love of Christ will be evident in my actions and words. It seems, though, that political correctness and tolerance have somehow become incorporated into the equation of love. This is a ploy of the evil one. Believers, and unbelievers, have recently stepped up to speak out against human trafficking. What a deplorable evil! And yet God considers the killing of unborn babies and homosexuality abominations. I’ve had Christians tell me that, in speaking out against same-sex marriage, homosexuals will feel unloved. This reminds me of the Chick-fil-a controversy over the summer. If you are not aware of what took place, there were two issues at stake – Biblical marriage and freedom of speech. A man simply stated his beliefs and it was labeled as hate speech. There was support from communities across the country and people showed up at his restaurants on a designated day to stand in agreement with the owner. I must ask these questions: How is this different from taking a stand against human trafficking? How can society be appalled by one and not the other? I don’t mean to sound cynical, but is this not a distorted view of love? My questions acknowledge that I am wrestling through these complex issues. I brought it up this morning in our ABF. We had a lively discussion. One friend helped me to see it in a different perspective, saying that maybe it’s because there is a victim of evil in human trafficking. As I thought on that later, “human rights” flashed across my mind. Don’t get me wrong. Standing up for human rights, human dignity is a noble and honorable cause. When something as horrific as slavery is involved, we must speak out against it. But society has taken it to a far different level than was ever intended. Now we can’t even make the slightest indication that a behavior might be sinful. If we do, we are trampling on their rights, their freedoms.

I’ve also been reminded that God works in mysterious ways. The LORD says in Isaiah 55:8 – “For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways.” For whatever reason, God, in His permissable will, has allowed the elections to go in this direction. I trust Him. And I am confident that He will work out His purposes. I’ve been praying for revival as many others have. This could very well be the catalyst that we’ve been asking for – the very thing that will bring us to our knees. This is a good thing. And from our Christian perspective, a great awakening sounds exciting. But I have to wonder . . . . . are we truly prepared for what that may mean? Will we still stand courageously in spite of the suffering we may be asked to endure? Are we ready? Am I ready?

Hear our cry, Lord, we pray. Our faces down, our hands are raised. You called us out, we turned away. We’ve turned away. With shipwrecked faith the idols rise. We do what is right in our own eyes. Our children now will pay the price. We need Your light, Lord, shine Your light. All our hearts, all our strength, with all our minds, we’re at Your feet. May Your Kingdom come in our hearts and lives. Let Your Church arise, let Your Church arise.

If we’ve ever needed You, Lord, it’s now. Lord, it’s now. We are desperate for Your hand. We’re reaching out. We’re reaching out. We need You now. Revive us now. We need You now.

(Casting Crowns)

Legalism. It’s a dirty word in evangelical circles. And for good reasons. There are churches that try to add works to the already finished work of Christ. This creates a bondage that is hard to break – always striving without ever knowing if it’s enough. Do this. Don’t do that. Do this. Don’t do that. I’m not talking about biblical principles established for the welfare and good of humanity – guidelines that keep peace, order, and safety. I’m referring to man-made rules, rituals, and traditions in the name of religion and spirituality.

Those of us who have been rescued from it are extremely grateful for the freedom we now have in Christ. If He sets us free we are free indeed! We are recipients of His marvelous grace! And yet, even within Bible-believing churches, and maybe even in our own spheres of relationships, legalism still rears its ugly head. We attended such a church for three years while Steve studied at Moody Bible Institute in Chicago. It was a somewhat oppressive atmosphere. Whenever we would return to our home church, it was like a breath of fresh air. It felt as if a burden was lifted. Grace was freely given.

Having said all that, and being a huge advocate of grace, I still wonder – are we too quick to label someone a legalist? Doing so somehow gives us a valid excuse to justify our behavior. It’s plain and simple – we don’t want anyone to trample on our freedoms. I read this statement recently by Charles Swindoll: “We have grown accustomed to shrugging off lapses in moral character, manifested in secretive and deceptive lifestyles.” Whether we want to admit it or not, the lines of right and wrong have been blurred. I would go so far as to say that even the topic of sin is now off limits. How dare you! How dare you judge me. How dare you disagree with me. You are being intolerant.

I’m aware that we need to be very careful about self-righteously judging others. I can honestly say that there have been times when I could plead guilty as charged. Since we are recipients of grace – we should be extenders of grace. But we have also been called to proclaim the truth. Absolutely when sin is involved. Even if it’s not sin, but something potentially harmful, we should do the responsible thing and tell the person the truth. If a small child saw a bottle of colorful pills sitting on the table, mistaking it for candy, we would quickly grab the bottle before she ingested something that would prove detrimental to her health. So must we also speak a warning, raise a red flag when someone is “ingesting” something that could damage their spiritual, physical, or emotional health.

My mom had macular degeneration. She was not blind, but her vision was impaired. Whenever we went somewhere, she would hold on to my arm because she wasn’t always aware of the obstacles in her path. At times, I would warn her to watch her step or to be careful. My concern was that she would fall and hurt herself. Oh, that we could be the kind of friend or have the kind of friends who would lovingly warn us of the pitfalls ahead if we continue to walk a dangerous path!

I realize we probably have varying opinions on what is harmful and what is not. We tend to filter life through different grids because of the way we were raised or the things we’ve experienced. “People have presuppositions, and they will live more consistently on the basis of these presuppositions than even they themselves may realize. By presuppositions we mean the basic way an individual looks at life, his basic world view, the grid through which he sees the world. Presuppositions rest upon that which a person considers to be the truth of what exists. People’s presuppositions lay a grid for all they bring forth into the external world. Their presuppositions also provide the basis for their values and therefore the basis for their decisions” (Francis Schaeffer).

Our experiences definitely influence our view of the world. For instance, drinking an alcoholic beverage may not be a big deal to you, whereas the abuse that alcohol created in my family has been a big factor in my choice not to drink. Yoga may seem innocent to you, but I see the danger in many eastern practices because of my own experiences with Transcendental Meditation. Movies with vampires or witches may merely be entertainment for you, but I see the reality of the spiritual deception because of my years as a missionary in a third world country.

Does this make me a legalist? You very well may think so. I don’t see it that way. Unless, of course, I let a wrong motive color my thinking or my words. More than likely, when I speak up, it’s because there’s a strong tugging at my heart to sound an alarm.

Over the summer, we had a series of sermons from the pulpit on Living Dangerously. One of our pastors spoke about living dangerously with our mouths. He said living dangerously isn’t living foolishly, it’s putting ourselves at risk for a worthy cause – using our mouths for God’s glory – courageously, fearlessly.

I attended a Beth Moore simulcast last month with friends. The words I wrote down in my notebook just popped off the page – “Do you want to live in the supernatural life/provision of Christ or live a humanly explainable life?” I don’t want to live a humanly explainable life. I want to live in the supernatural power of Christ – to open my mouth and speak up when it’s not the popular thing to do. Speaking the truth with love, kindness, gentleness, and grace for sure, but also with courage and boldness.

“A blinded world needs us to stand, to fight, and to pray” (Chris Tiegreen)

I released him, and God gave him back to me. Cancer didn’t win. Almost three and a half years after the diagnosis of pancreatic cancer, we celebrated our 40^th wedding anniversary – for a whole week!

I’ve done a lot of thinking (surprise, surprise!) and pondering lately about the whole cancer journey and its aftermath – where I am today as opposed to where I was four years ago. There’s no doubt at all in my mind that God was getting me ready, after the death of my mom, to face another devastating situation. When I took my semi-sabbatical for the first two months of 2009, I had no idea what I would be facing in the very near future. God didn’t let me in on that for a very good reason. I probably would have collapsed from the shock of hearing that my husband would not just have cancer, but pancreatic cancer, a cancer that had a very low survival rate.

I hibernated, as much as possible, for those two months – resting, not just physically, but learning to rest spiritually as I allowed Scripture to infiltrate every nook and cranny of my heart. I emerged from my cocoon with a strength that I was not yet aware of. Only in our weakness is God’s strength made evident.

Have you ever driven a car down a highway that has just been freshly paved? Not even a small crack mars the smooth surface. It almost has a velvety appearance. I love driving by myself on that kind of road! It just makes me want to throw caution to the wind and soar down the road that stretches straight ahead as far as my eyes can see – with the sunroof open, my hair flying back, the sun on my face, enjoying the feel of power and freedom.

Let me tell you, that was definitely not the kind of ride cancer was. The road was filled with potholes and bumps, detours and road blocks, curves and dead ends. It was a frightening journey made up of uncertainties, fears, tears, and pain. But unlike that solitary drive down a smooth highway, on this excursion I was more than willing to relinquish the driver’s seat to the Lord. That doesn’t mean that throughout the whole trip I sat in the passenger’s seat perfectly calm. There were moments when I tried to jerk the steering wheel out of His hands to go in a different direction. Or I almost put my foot through the floor to push down on the brakes. STOP! Or I gripped the bar over the window so tight my hand hurt. Or I wanted to throw the door open and jump out. I’d be lying if I told you otherwise.

The whole trip, though, was not riddled with anxiety. There were also moments that I enjoyed talking with my traveling Companion, singing to Him, trusting Him to know the detours, waiting for Him to steer us in the right direction, resting in His ability to read the map, hoping that He would take us to the destination we longed for.

It was a lengthy road trip, but we reached the resting place that we hoped for. But it was just that, a place to rest – the journey continues, as it does for all of us, until we reach that final destination.

Now that we are at this particular juncture of three and a half years, my concern is that the journey will become just a faded memory. There is absolutely no way I want to go back and live it again. Life must go forward. But neither do I want to forget where I was before cancer and where God placed my feet after cancer – firmly on the Rock. So I need to take out my scrapbook now and then, look at postcards of the places we visited, reminisce about the gentle way our Companion guided us, and thank Him that He didn’t abandon us.

But remembering is not enough. I must tell this part of my story – a story of grace and healing. I must tell it regardless of whether I think people might be tired of hearing it. I must tell it so others will know that, even if Steve’s destination on that leg of the journey would have been heaven, Christ would not have forsaken me.

“You’re here not by chance but by God’s choosing, to fulfill His special purpose in your life for this generation.” I can’t remember who wrote those words, but I have thought much about what they mean. God chose to leave Steve on this earth for awhile longer for reasons that only He may ever know. Some of those reasons are evident. Steve has had countless opportunities to minister to people with a greater compassion than he had before his illness. This seems almost impossible since my husband is one of the most compassionate men I know. In fact, a friend once said he “reeked compassion.” [As I was writing this letter, the phone rang. During the conversation, our friend John said that Steve is one of the most caring people he knows.] Through his personal journey with cancer, Steve gained a deep emotional understanding of suffering. People see this. And that’s why they call him to be at the bedside of a dying loved one. Or why he gets referrals to talk with someone who just found out they have cancer. He recently had the incredible privilege of leading a man on his death-bed to the Savior shortly before he departed this earth. God is indeed fulfilling His special purpose in Steve’s life.

But I have wondered, and even spoke aloud my thoughts to Steve, if God might possibly have left him here for me, too. Steve’s answer? Absolutely!

And so, we celebrated 40 years of marriage. Cancer took up only a very small portion of those years, yet it has had a profound effect on our relationship. Our love for each other has gone to depths we never could have imagined. Our love for Jesus, together as a couple, and individually, has taken on a whole new dimension. And to experience His love for us in ways we never had experienced before has been a beautiful and incredible gift. A blessing in disguise. My heart is full!

Home. There’s no place like home. After 17 years as missionaries to the Philippines we were back in Ohio, back at The Chapel. We were home. And the dream that I had once relinquished to the Lord found its way back into my heart.

My prayer circle, the women who prayed me back to the mission field for one more term and who faithfully prayed me through those four years, diligently prayed that the Lord would provide a house for us – a place that we could settle after 20 moves in our 31 years of marriage.

I started the hunt almost immediately after we touched down on U.S. soil on May 30, 2003. We thought it best to look south of Akron as we would be attending The Chapel’s new campus in Green. I had my sights set on Hartville, thinking how appropriate (and fun) it would be to live in this small town that would express my life, my writings, my ministry – my heart.

There was a slight problem, though. We didn’t have the money for a down payment on a house. Quite a sizeable problem, really, but I decided not to let that deter me. My prayer circle was praying.

We set boundaries as to how far away from church we were willing to live. My friend M drove me around the area one day, checking out different houses. One of them caught my eye. M recognized the name of the real estate agent listed on the sign. She said that the woman was very well known in the vicinity. I jotted down the telephone number. When I got back to the place we were staying, I called the number. No one answered. I left a message with my name and phone number where I could be reached. Days went by and the call was not returned. It seemed strange that she wouldn’t follow up. Then one day, a young man, T, got in touch with us saying he was working with the agent and he was willing to meet with us. And so began a story that I love to tell!

On the first get-together with T, after chatting for a bit, we realized that we had a connection. Several years earlier, a couple had asked to meet with Steve and me. They were preparing to go out as missionaries on a medical ship and they were concerned about their teenage son and his adjustments. We talked about some of our own experiences and then prayed with them. Yes, you guessed it. We prayed for our real estate agent when he was a teenager! We also found out that T was attending The Chapel’s new Green campus.

Shortly after that first meeting, the Lord graciously provided the money for a down payment through a very unexpected source. Did I mention my prayer circle was praying?! We were now able to get serious in finding a house. T was aware of the boundaries we had set and he knew the basics of what we were looking for. I think we only went through two houses before we found one we liked and decided to put a bid in. Unfortunately, there was a counter offer and we were forced to continue looking. I was disappointed, but trusted God for the right house in the right neighborhood.

T continued the search. One day he called and said there was a house he wanted us to look at. It was beyond the boundaries we had set, but he really thought it would be good for us to go through it. My mom, daughters Ruthanne and Hester, son Micah, and I piled into the car for the drive out to Hartville. Steve was not able to accompany us because of work. I can’t remember, but I think our daughter Sarah had already moved to Virginia with her husband. We pulled up to a brick raised ranch in a nice neighborhood. T was there to greet us. We were pleasantly surprised to see a door knocker with the words “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” Promising. As we walked through the rooms, we noticed a Bible on a table, Bible verses hanging on the walls, missionary pictures on the refrigerator, and artifacts from different countries. Hmmmm.

I liked the house and had T arrange another showing so Steve could see it. It was just Steve, Ruthanne, Hester, and me this time. On the drive out to Hartville, Hester asked if we thought the owners might be there. I responded with no, the owners are usually not present when an agent shows the house. Surprise! The owners were there! Coincidence? I think not. As we walked through the house with Steve, I watched him closely to see what his reaction would be. He casually mentioned to the owners (two women) that it looked as if they had done some traveling. The conversation eventually revealed that they had both been missionaries. Whoa! And that’s not all. One of them, M, had actually been with SEND International – the very same mission that we went to the Philippines under! Double whoa! We talked about our children, telling M and J the colleges each attended. J told us that she had been a librarian at Messiah College – Hester’s alma mater. When we mentioned that Micah was at Wheaton College, J chimed in that she was from Wheaton and had gone to grade school with one of our former SEND-Philippine missionaries! Can I say triple whoa?!!

As we walked out the door, Steve whispered to me: “This has God’s hand-print all over it!” Could it be? Was this the house the Lord had picked out for us?

Later in the day, Steve told me he felt strongly that we should contact the owners and get together with them. It had nothing to do with buying the house or trying to persuade them to lower the price or anything like that. He just wanted to visit with them. After talking with them on the phone, we set a time to drive out to the house. It turned out to be a very pleasant visit. M and J told us about the neighborhood, showed us their garden, and sent us off with a couple of jars of the produce from their garden. Steve prayed for them before we left. He told them that even if we didn’t buy the house, we were glad to have met them.

We went away confident that this was the house we wanted. T helped us put in a bid. Steve and I were scheduled to go to Michigan for a conference at our mission’s headquarters. It was to be our last one as we had recently resigned from SEND. Our daughter had strict instructions to call us if she heard from T. We attended the meetings the first day. I was barely able to concentrate. As we settled into our hotel room that evening, Hester called. Our bid was accepted! The house was ours! I cried tears of joy and marveled as I thought of the sovereign way God worked, not just for us but for the owners as well. The house had been on the market for quite some time. M and J were wondering why their real estate agent wasn’t showing the house much. Why? We know why – God was saving it for us!

After we returned to Akron from the conference, M and J called to invite us to dinner. Much to our surprise, there was a couple staying with them who were passing through the area on their way home from the SEND International conference in Michigan! We had just seen them a few days before.

As we sat at the kitchen table, looking out the big bay window into the backyard, I asked what kind of a tree was at the edge of the property. I think it was J who casually said, “That’s YOUR apple tree.”

“Ano ang pangalan mo?” It’s one of the first Tagalog phrases we learned. Translation? “What is your name?” My response when asked this question was: “Ako si Mary.” “I am Mary.”

We all have a deep need to be known. Hearing our names spoken tells us that we are recognized and it can give us a feeling of warmth, of familiarity, and sometimes of intimacy. I like when Steve calls me “hon” or some other term of endearment, but when he says my name? Oh my, it just thrills my heart! I love to hear him say “Mary”.

I answer to many different names. Mom. Grandma. Mary. Mare. Mary Ann. Mickey. Yes, you read that right – Mickey! This is the nickname my dad and my grandmother bestowed on me. I still have cousins that call me Mickey!

With my birthday coming up at the end of the month, for some reason, I started wondering what the discussion was like between my mom and dad when they were picking a name for me. My dad’s mother’s name was Mary. My mother and her mother were both Anna. So they combined the two names – Mary and Ann. They must have liked the way it sounded.

My mom loved the name Mary Ann and regretted that she didn’t spell it as one name. She always called me Mary Ann, though, whenever she spoke to me or about me. But I was told that my first name was Mary and my middle name was Ann. I had no reason to question this. When I started school, that’s how Mom filled out my papers. So the nuns naturally called me by my first name. And since they did, my schoolmates did as well. Suddenly I was Mary – not Mary Ann, not Mickey, just Mary. The strange thing is, not long ago, I had to dig out my birth certificate for some reason. I never really looked at it very carefully before. This time I did. Much to my astonishment, under first name it said Maryann. All one word. No middle name was listed. So legally, I am Maryann! I wonder if this will create problems for me some day. Does it mean that since my name was written wrong on my marriage license that I’m not really married to Steve? Yikes!

As a side note, I’m curious about what boy’s name my parents might have chosen. I wish I would have thought to ask my mom. It dawned on me that maybe my cousin Eileen would know. She was around when I was born. I made a phone call to Florida. Eileen didn’t know, but her guess was, surprise – Mickey!

It’s quite interesting to do an internet search on the meaning and origin of names. Though it was somewhat fun to read the various ideas on some of the websites, I found that none of them captured the essence of me. “As you are naturally talkative, you find it easy to meet and make friends with many people.” Seriously? Where do they get their information? I’m an introvert! And I do not find it easy to meet new people! It’s very stressful! Well, what did I expect from a website on Kabalarian Philosophy. I don’t even know what that means. [The Kabalarian Philosophy offers a complete guide to life—a blueprint to human existence sought since consciousness began. It is the culmination of thousands of years of intellectual thought that offers a broad perspective of life through a harmony of Eastern philosophy and Western science and practicality. It takes the universal concept of mathematics to develop a complete understanding of mind, health and cycles of time.] I guess that explains a lot. I’m not even sure why I clicked on that particular website other than it looked interesting.

I decided to explore a more reliable source. This is what I found: Mary means bitter. Ann means grace. How do I reconcile those two meanings in my mind? Something clicked in my brain and I opened my Bible to the story of Naomi in the Book of Ruth. Naomi, along with her husband and two sons, went to the country of Moab when there was a famine in Judah. The husband eventually died. The two sons took Moabite wives. Both sons eventually died as well. Naomi decided to return to her home in Bethlehem. Her daughter-in-law Ruth insisted on going with her. As Naomi and Ruth came to the town, women called out to her, “Is this Naomi?” Naomi said to them, “Do not call me Naomi, call me Mara [a version of Mary], for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. I went away full, and the Lord has brought me back empty.” There’s much more to the story, but I jumped to the end. The daughter-in-law remarried – a kinsman redeemer from the clan of Naomi’s dead husband. Ruth gave birth to a son. The women in the town [maybe the same ones who called out to Naomi upon her return?] said to her, “Blessed be the Lord, who has not left you this day without a redeemer, and may his name be renowned in Israel! He shall be to you a restorer of life and a nourisher of your old age, for your daughter-in-law who loves you, who is more to you than seven sons, has given birth to him.” Grace! That was God’s grace! Naomi went from bitterness to grace. A beautiful redemption story!

My friend Tamra recently shared on her blog about how she received her name. I love the prayer that she wrote at the end: “Lord, I am awed by the way that YOU picked my name out especially for me through an unbelieving father. You know the end from the beginning, nothing is hidden from You or takes You by surprise. I love how You constantly take things that bring me sadness and faithfully redeem them. You are so very tender with me! I cannot comprehend how you gave me a name before I even came to be, knowing that its meaning would parallel my life. Isaiah 49:16 reminds me that You have written, engraved, or inscribed my name on the palms of Your hands. I am thankful that You call me, Your sheep, by name and have written my name in the Book of Life. You are so very good to me! Finally, thank You for the promise held in Psalm 92:12 that, ‘The righteous will flourish like a palm tree…’ [Tamra means palm tree]. Strengthen me to live in a way that will enable me to flourish for Your purposes and glory. In the name of JESUS I pray, Amen.

Isaiah 43:1 says: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are Mine.” THIS is the true essence of who I am. I belong to Jesus. He knows my name. My parents gave me the name Maryann in July of 1951, but Jesus knew my name before the foundation of the world, knowing that it’s meaning would parallel my life. It’s incredible to think that His story of redemption has been woven into the tapestry of my story with the fragile threads of bitterness giving way to the strong cords of grace. It’s equally remarkable to think that my name – MY NAME – is engraved on the palms of Jesus’ hands! I am His!

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth would care to know my name

Would care to feel my hurt

Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star would choose to light the way

For my ever wandering heart

Who am I, that the Eyes that see my sin would look on me with love

And watch me rise again

Who am I, that the Voice that calmed the sea would call out through the rain

And calm the storm in me

Not because of who I am but because of what You’ve done

Not because of what I’ve done but because of who You are

I am a flower quickly fading, here today and gone tomorrow

A wave tossed in the ocean, a vapor in the wind

Still You hear me when I’m calling

Lord You catch me when I’m falling

And You told me who I am

I am Yours, I am Yours (Casting Crowns)